i should've stopped you.

-Himangi Rai

I should have stopped you.

The thought hits me first, when I wake up due to the repetitive nightmare months later. I should have stopped you when you didn't get the hint, or when suddenly you were deaf to my repeatedly saying "no". I should have screamed for my mum, or just screamed all together.

You didn't realize I was still being friendly, not flirty. You didn't realize that I was still sober when you were drowning in the stench of alcohol.

You didn't realise that I still wake up at the oddest of hours with the fear that your dirty fingers are crawling on my body again.

Just like 2 months ago, when you had a crooked smile for a crooked intention, when you acted as though my clothing or my words asked for it. If your voice still makes the hair on my neck stand, I wonder what effect my tears and screams had on you.

Do you stay awake all night, as my voice bounces on the walls of your mind? Do you feel the electric current when you feel my tears burning your skin again.

I've still kept it a secret, not a soul knows. not mum, who asks me everyday if everything was okay (I don't have the heart to tell her that I almost tore my skin apart because your fingers left marks too many). Dad doesn't know either, who smiles at me every morning, and asks me about my life (I don't have the heart to tell him that every single man that I've invited into my body reminds me of the tortuous incident with you, and that instead of "making love" he has to play doctor and put me to sleep).

My sister, who asks me to braid her hair everyday and tell her about stories of my childhood, doesn't know either (I don't have the heart to tell that I was a coward for not speaking up then, or gagging my own mouth and lie naked in a pool of self pity).

Truth it, when you entered my body without my consent and washed away all good that was left - you took away the only piece of me I still owned.

My heart. Because now there's no need for it. My lungs, my arteries, my limps and my bones will have to do. I don't think I can handle the pain of a heart anymore.