Being Asexual in India

- Sukanya Ganguly

What does it mean to be human? I guess we all have different ways to answer it. However, we all end up using the word “kind” or “loving” at some point.

Humanity, in my realm, has always meant, empathy. The ability, to be understanding and more than anything, accepting.

What I, and many others like me, have experienced is far from what I call, humanity.

I am asexual.

Like every other time, this time as well, there is a need to explain my identity. It’s alright, as long as you’re willing to hear me out.

Heterosexuals are those who are attracted to people of the opposite gender. Homosexuals are those who are attracted to the people of the same gender. Bisexuals are attracted to people of one gender and people of another gender. Pansexuals are attracted to people, regardless of gender. Asexuals are those that are not sexually attracted to any gender.

Human beings are complex, and can’t be simply boxed into two categories. They have always existed as such in the diaspora but they weren’t talked about. People didn’t have the vocabulary to define who they were. Now that it is available, some choose to identify with it as they prefer, and some don’t like to be labelled. Regardless, my hope is that we respect both their rights. Their right to exist. The right to be recognised for who they are. The right to be represented.

One can simply replace the word ”right” with the word ”joy” and we’ll see that everyone, regardless of what they identify as, deserve that. Deserve, joy.

Frankly speaking as an asexual, I don’t understand heterosexuality. Neither can a heterosexual comprehend asexuality. So your confusion is forgiven.

However, it is not about comprehension. It is about recognition. Scientists can’t quite comprehend how we all came to be, but we came to be, didn’t we? It's not about whether I understand it. It is about whether I realise that it exists with or without my understanding. Much like being a flower. I am not one, I don’t understand what it is like to be one. However, flowers, exist. Whether I am one or not, I can acknowledge the fact that they are a reality.

If it exists, then nature wants it here. Nature is what has brought it about in the first place. Nature is us, and we are nature. We are the world, as much as we are a part of it.

So what must it be like to be an asexual? Depends on where one is on the spectrum. Regardless, we all share a similar fate.

Some of us have been raped. So that the other party could prove that if we enjoyed sex, we couldn’t possibly be asexual, could we? We could. We are. Let’s break this down for all of us now, shall we?

Being asexual means not being sexually attracted to anyone. However, that has nothing to do with one’s sex drive. Asexuals can enjoy sex. They can orgasm. They can enjoy masturbating and still be an asexual. There are asexuals that don’t share these proclivities. It's all about where one is on the spectrum. Google, please! It would help you be more accepting of people who are different than you. Different has always been perceived as a threat. It hardly ever is. There is no right or wrong way of being different, either. We are different, and we can all acknowledge that. There is no ”wrong” way of being.

If it is still difficult to grasp, how one can enjoy sex and still not lust for it then think of it like... eating an apple. Some people, at the sight of an apple, want to dig in. Some want oranges. Some want both. Some want neither. Not wanting, is not the same as not eating. If the one who doesn’t desire to eat an apple eats it on occasion they can enjoy the taste of it and still, however, not desire it.

It's when we try to determine the identity of someone else in such a fashion that it fits our narrow-minded notion of reality, that trouble starts to arise. It causes the individual that is facing this harsh critical judgement that dictates that who they are is not valid. Is not real. Is a made up fantasy? That we start a catastrophic chain of events. Uttering these cynical, rash words can be, for many like hanging the noose.

Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers perspective of humanitarianism is that, if an individual is provided with unconditional love and support, they reach their optimum potential. How are we expecting our generation to take us to Mars when we can’t even give them an Earth, a world, that accepts and cherishes who they are as individuals.

There is this stigma, that asexuals are who they are as a result of having experienced sexual assault at some point in their life.

Of course, this isn’t true. There are aces who have had no such experience. However, for the sake of debate let ’s, consider this.

So what? We all are a product of the experiences we’be had. The exposure. The privilege. The pain we’ve had to face has influenced us into being who we are. That in no way has invalidated who we stand as today. Then why should it, for asexuals? We are just as valid, with no regard to how we came to be who we are.

It is not an option. It is not an outcome. It is an orientation. Let’s treat it as such.

How is it like being an asexual in India?

You’d think a country that is so diverse, where it snows in the north and the south has backwater forests, the east has a desert, the west has mangroves. You’d think a country which is inhabited by people of different colours, castes, creeds, cultures might be more tolerant, if not secular. You’d be surprised to find, that's not how it is. We speak in so many languages and use none of them to convey our affections, admiration and acceptance for one another. Yes, section #377 means progress. Yet, there is still a lot to work on. At the level of communities. At the level of, people.

People. People like you and I. So do mankind a favour and turn towards your humanity. See us. Believe us. Recognise us. That’s not just my dream. That’s ours. So let’s wake up and make it happen.

We think, that the world is separate from us. Far from the truth. We are what makes up the world. So, even if there is a small shift. At an individual level, it will have significant results on people around the world in its own time. You never know who you’re affecting and how. Let’s leave a mark. Not a scar.